I have been writing and deleting for the past few hours and yet I can’t finish a sentence. I guess the inevitable has happened, I have lost my ‘mojo’ for writing. Shit, I don’t even realised whether I have made any grammar mistakes as I have lost all my sense, numb to be exact, and I don’t even care to structure my sentence to make what I write sounds interesting. Right now I am just hitting at the keyboards to whatever that comes to my mind. And I hope I can keep going without stopping because I wanted to post something for a very long time but couldn’t think of anything to write…
Shit, my mind is blank again. The last paragraph was like an intense passionate sex and now, everything is cool. This is just like all my past relationships, hot at first, cold as ice later. Shit, it stops again.
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So many things had happened since the birth of this blog till today. Fuck this sound so cliché, everybody can guess where this line is going to lead to. So I guess its better I stop my train of thoughts here before I make my self look ordinary.
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Oh man, last time I used to be able to write at one go, 1000 words without any problems. I just realised I stopped writing ever since I watched ‘Finding Forester’ on satellite TV, how bloody irony! I guess this has to be last of me.
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I am still, no, no, no, I am not the same person as I used to be anymore. I used to champion independent music and film, but now I don’t give a shit anymore. I always say to myself I have grown up. Is that true? Am I just thinking of this to comfort myself? What is what anymore? Everything is like so fucking confusing anymore. (I just deleted what I wrote after this line)
*sigh*
*sigh*
I miss so many things that I used to have. I have lost the passion, no, I never had that; I am so fucking suicidal at times. Come on, how many had already decide their funeral song at a young age? And mind you I am not writing this line to sound cool. Fuck cool! Lester Bangs was never cool and he is my hero! Life has become so rigid. Or is it me? Have I finally manage to blend in with society which I so despised in the first place? Does that make me a hypocrite? Now I look at a friend of mine and I think it is so immature of him to strive to be different, writing the same stuff like I used to write on the blog few years ago. Ahh, I remember now, it’s not the passion for life, its actually angry with life. Not bitter, but angry.
The best quote of the year so far I have heard is from my dear friend Tiger. He said ‘Fidelity has taught you nothing but stupidity.’ Really make me look at relationships at a different point of view now although I still don’t know what it is that is different.
*sigh*
I stop thinking already. Sometimes when you think of so many things all at once, you are actually think of nothing. Or the nicotine and alcohol have killed my brain cells? Good bye.
(as posted by Green Eyed Bob, 10 MAR 2006)
