Penang is the focal destination of tourism in Malaysia. It has beautiful beaches, flithy delicous food… blah, blah, blah. Anyway, for those who are planning or already here in Penang, here is a rough guide of what to expect:
PAID SEX
Brandy Brady is a very ordinary decent guy. He is decent in the sense that he could be drinking from 5 till 3 in the morning, but he has never done anything a drunkard would do and he is as sober as he was before he started drinking (maybe it’s because he is always drunk!). I hope this as much explains his nickname ‘Brandy.’ But if there is one bad thing about Brady after he drinks is that he gets real horny which I think the owners of the whorehouses he visits after a blitzkrieg drinking spree would certainly disagree with me. There is this particular one which is named after a defected state of The People’s Republic of China which he would often swagger from Soho (so called British pub of Penang) to shower some poor whores with real daddy love to comfort them of their sorrows from missing their fathers in countries even Kofi Annan have trouble naming them. Anyway, this whorehouse is very unique in its on way which I think it is something you can only find in Penang. It neighbours a Catholic church! I guess the owner must have thought of it as a good marketing tool; after sinning you don’t have to go through a life-long of repents and doing good to reimburse your sin, redemption is just a mere few steps away and who say heaven is such a hard place to go?
FREE SEX
Then there is Valentino Vallen, which is of course what he likes to be known as but I prefer to call him Valence Vallen. It is because he is the outcast in his circle of friends just like the valence electrons occupying the furthest orbit from the nucleus. Vallen’s preference of the darker skin is legendary here in Penang together with his stinginess. Do you realize both of them go hand in hand? Please allow me to explain… in the dialect Hokkien, ‘kiam’ means salty which can also mean stingy. Since no girls of fair skin would do him, he has to resort to those of the darker skin and they wouldn’t mind doing him because back home in their third world countries, salt is still an expensive commodity for export!
(Pick-up points: bus stops in housing area nearby industrial parks)
FOOD
Penang’s most popular hawkers’ centre, Glutton Corner, located around the corner of Gurney Drive, is named after Glutton Geena. Geena, stereotypically a Penangite due to her thriftiness, is of average height for Asian women but because of her low metabolic rate, that is what she famously claims, is not of the slender side of proportion. Mind you she doesn’t have a chin like a chicken neck or butterfly arms, as she is a sex bomb, blistering with very high emission of sexual vibes. Anybody in a 10 mile radius from her can’t help it but feel the sexual tension in the air. Anyway, Glutton Corner is where you can literally find all the local delicacies of Penang, and if not only your appetite is wet when you are there, you know who is around too!
PLACES OF INTEREST
It doesn’t matter which part of the world you come from, I think the best tour guide you can find in Penang is Komtar Kovern, notably because he is a multi-linguist (I think after you had licked a certain amount of different nationals of pussies, you are considered a multi-linguist). Furthermore he can practically draw the map of Penang before you can finish measuring his penis and he knows all the places of interest. Of course there are two versions to his tour. The first one will be like any other tour you receive from a typical tour guide and second one allows you to experience all these places of interest first hand like you never experience them before although you have been to Penang many times. For example, you can be the Goddess of Mercy sitting in the lotus flower position or assume the various positions of the Sleeping Buddha. If you do choose the latter one, don’t forget to request for his famous Komtar tour. In case you don’t know, Komtar was the tallest building in Malaysia until the Twin Tower was erected and wherever you are in Penang you can’t miss it, standing majestically, piercing the sky above us. So like the Chinese believe there are 18 gruesome stages in hell, Komtar Kovern will show you there are also 18 euphoric stages in heaven, if you take half an inch at a time!
In conclusion…
A) If the name of your country only appears in the index section of the world map, then contact Brandy Brady
B) If you are from Indonesia, Thailand or Vietnam working in Penang, be it legal or illegal, feel free to contact Valence Vallen
C) For the rest of you, Komtar Kovern is your man.
(Contact numbers are only given upon request to protect the privacy of the mentioned people)
Oh, what about Glutton Geena? You can forget about her, she is a virgin, saving it for her future husband. But how can she be beaming with sexual vibes if she has no experience, you maybe wondering. There is a saying in Penang in Hokkien that goes something like this:
Cheng kiau, au kiau
Mang kua ee boh liao
Kan tiuk lu, ci kiau kiau!
Direct translation into English will be:
Front perky, back perky
Don’t look down on her
If she fucks you, you’re dead!
LOCAL SHOPPING
Last but not least, there is yours truly. When I am not busy taking a piss at everyone who knows less than me, which is practically everyone, I sell Chinese medicated oil right opposite Glutton Corner with my best pal, Sausage Saw, selling pirated CDs and DVDs beside me. You can’t miss it, my chants to attract customer is ear-catching. Here it is in Hokkien:
Koh leh hiah ti, tiah tiah tiah
Kan leh lau iah!
Tia ku ku
Kan leh lau boh!
Chiu tia, buak kah
Kah tia, buak lampah,
Lampah tia, giu toh kah.
Beh chi kuan, sang khang kuan
Ai beh, mai beh
Kiong kan!
Uh beh, uh sang
Boh beh, chiau sang
Mai beh, ngeh ngeh sang!
In English:
Come my brothers and listen
Fuck your father!
Listen longer
Fuck your mother!
Hand pain, rub your legs
Leg pain, rub your balls
Balls pain, mop the floor
Buy one bottle, free one empty bottle
Wanna buy, don’t wanna buy
Fuck you!
Got buy, got give free,
No buy, still give free
Don’t want to buy, insistly give free!
(as posted by Green Eyed Bob, 30 AUG 2005)
